Closed for business

February 28, 2013 at 18:08
Farid Alvie
Image by Zaldy Icaonapo “Bright Idea”

Salvation, it seems, is finally at hand. An article published in the latest edition of the prestigious New Haven Journal of Metaphysical Anomalies and Scientific Theology informs us that Professor Allan Bloom might have been right after all but not in the way he had imagined. The title of his famous book, The Closing of the American Mind, hinted at the truth that is now verified and institutionalized at a small elite center 73 miles northwest of Reykjavik. Linked to the prominent journal and run by a group of science coordinators and theological technicians, the Metaphysical Anomalies and Scientific Theology Institute (MASTI) has discovered that mankind can achieve nirvana only through the closing of the human mind.

“A perfectly closed mind is one that encourages peace by ensuring that all cerebral activity takes place in a vacuum,” said the principal co-investigator of the research that led to this discovery. “This mental state allows one to view all problems through a single black-and-white lens, thereby making them incredibly easy to solve. In order to achieve this state, one must begin in earnest by trying to be as narrow-minded as possible. Strict adherence to this will eventually lead to a state where not even light can enter (or escape) the closed sanctity of one’s mind. Never forget: the mind is simply a tool… you must allow it to turn you into one as well,” he added.
Whether it is pure religion or even purer science, filthy lucre from the world of global finance or rich traditions from an ancient heritage, a closed mind can overcome and enhance anything, thus leading to self-righteousness and egotism (which can easily be passed off as self-confidence and self-assurance). This attitude also enables one to pity others for their belief systems and bestows one with a feeling of superiority and delusion about one’s own greatness.
“Our research has conclusively shown that thinking frequently leads to vulgarity, obscenity and lack of morality,” said the other principal co-investigator. “Questioning leads to uncertainty and creates confusion. We must appreciate the fact that there is no room for doubt in a closed mind…therefore, no resulting confusion…ever.”
Welcoming the research, former US Vice President Dan Quayle repeated his famous quote: “What a waste it is to lose one’s mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is,” proving once again that a closed mind works best when coupled with a closed mouth.
The research has won acclaim far and wide and is being embraced with open arms by governments, multinationals, military forces, religious organizations, robber barons, scientific and academic communities, terrorist outfits, self-awareness movements, marketing campaigns, and even twentysomething liberal artists all over the world.
Farid Alvie is a veteran journalist and writer. He writes for The News, Tehelka and Friday Times.

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